10/20/12
What is a marriage?
A marriage is a life long agreement to be a part of another person's life, unknowing what the future holds for either person.
It is a willingness to stand beside that person come what may, to encourage them when they have no courage of their own to face the crap that life will throw at you; to be their strength in the face of their failure and weakness; to show them that they have value when the world and everyone else says they are not worth the space they fill.
There are no guarantees when you make that commitment, no guarantee that life will never send you hard times; no guarantee that the other person will never make a mistake, will always meet your expectations; no guarantee that you will be happy and prosperous forever after.
A marriage is meant to demonstrate the love of Christ for His Body and to demonstrate the love of His people for Him. Can you love your spouse like Christ loved the Church? Can you sacrifice yourself for their benefit? No, you cannot. Unless you allow Christ to have control of your heart; unless you give those failures and those unmet expectations to God; unless you cry out to Him with each disappointment; cry out to Him with each knife in the heart....or back. It is only with His presence in you, His strength in your heart that you can live up to this agreement that you made before Him, to love this other person, to honour them and stand by them.
People will say you are a fool; they will say that you deserve better; they will tell you that you have every right to turn away and give up, but people are not God. God's ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts. He is holy, He is all-knowing, He is all-wise; He sees your journey together from start to finish, He knows how it should end. He knows the ways that He will bless you both with companionship, true enduring love, and the comfortable peace of a relationship that has been through hell and survived for His glory.
Trust Him to give you strength, patience, peace, more patience and more strength. He will give you eyes to see your spouse as He does; that your spouse is not the true enemy, eyes to see that the true enemy is the Deceiver who has lied to God's children since the beginning of time. Don't fall for those lies about your spouse, the one that you chose to love from the beginning. Trust God to give you everything you need to walk out the road ahead. It is only through the walking that you can find this out for yourself. I know these things to be true because I have walked it.
8/10/12
Revelation Part Two
I do not have a driving desire to evangelize the lost.
There! I said it!
The statement stands stark in all its perceived ugliness. I have felt guilty about this all my life! I have asked God what is wrong with me more times than I care to count!
Now I must also qualify this statement a little, I do want to represent Jesus wherever I go and in whatever circumstance I am in. I do feel God’s love for the people who don’t know Him and if anyone were to ask what makes me different I would gladly tell them all about the Father’s love and His Son’s sacrifice for us. But…..it is not a driving force in my life.
My heart beats for those who know God and love Jesus but are broken and beaten up by the enemy; the ones who feel alone and floundering in a world that seems to be all consuming. Those of His children who have lost the ability to feel His constant Presence and hear His voice of love, who are being lulled by the enemy’s deceptively sweet voice.
I want to be His arms and hold them, shake them, and then hold them again. I want to be His voice loud enough to drown out the sound of the world and the whiny voice of the flesh. I want to be the light that shines into their darkness and shows them the way back to His truth.
I want to admonish and convince hurt frustrated wives that God will fight for them, that He will take care of them, and that trusting Him and allowing Him to be in control really does work!
I want to encourage and strengthen broken defeated women with words of value and honor that comes straight from their Father King, to let them know that they are priceless to Him; they are jewels in His crown!
I want to be the voice of Truth that declares to His children that He is faithful, He is still active and that His ways are the only way of hope. I want to call out to them and guide them back to the safety of His path, following His way!
Jesus told his twelve in Matt 10:5-6 not to go to the Samaritans or the Gentiles but that He was sending them to the lost sheep of Israel. He told them this because He had someone else (Paul) in mind for the Gentiles. He has a plan for everyone and those plans are not the same for everyone. This verse brought me such joy and freedom, it removed my guilt! God has a plan for me and although I already knew that, it has been given a little more definition, a little more refinement and I have been given a clearer revelation of what my purpose is!
4/22/12
An Uncluttered Life
You told me some time ago to relinquish my fantasy of an uncluttered life, I have not forgotten. I have not completely relinquished it yet but I’m working on it. Really I am!
Your life on this earh was cluttered, wasn’t Lord? You had people popping up at the most inoportune moments being all needy. You had followers bickering about who was most important or what was more important.
Surely you had moments of frustration, times that you thought about your life before earth and what you gave up.
How patient you were! That patience didn’t come naturally though did it? Isn’t that the reason you spent time alone with the Father? So He could strengthen you and encourage you for the task at hand?
Oh Lord, help me to follow your example. Give me a hunger to spend time with you and the Father. This is the only way that I can endure the clutter of people in need, of unmet expectations and circumstances that don’t go my way.
My sweet Savior comes and calls for me, “Let’s go visit Father.”
My house is a mess, there are things to be done…“maybe later.”
My sweet Savior stays and says again, “Let’s go visit Father.”
My family’s in crisis, there are things I must figure out…“maybe later.”
My sweet Savior gives me the look and takes my hand, “Let’s go visit Father.”
I’m tired and frustrated, bone weary, at wit’s end; but I allow myself to be let into the throne room.
My Father is there, delight fills His eyes, He gathers me up in His love. The weariness melts, the frustration is gone. He gives me peace, wisdom, strength and joy.
I’m home.
Your life on this earh was cluttered, wasn’t Lord? You had people popping up at the most inoportune moments being all needy. You had followers bickering about who was most important or what was more important.
Surely you had moments of frustration, times that you thought about your life before earth and what you gave up.
How patient you were! That patience didn’t come naturally though did it? Isn’t that the reason you spent time alone with the Father? So He could strengthen you and encourage you for the task at hand?
Oh Lord, help me to follow your example. Give me a hunger to spend time with you and the Father. This is the only way that I can endure the clutter of people in need, of unmet expectations and circumstances that don’t go my way.
My sweet Savior comes and calls for me, “Let’s go visit Father.”
My house is a mess, there are things to be done…“maybe later.”
My sweet Savior stays and says again, “Let’s go visit Father.”
My family’s in crisis, there are things I must figure out…“maybe later.”
My sweet Savior gives me the look and takes my hand, “Let’s go visit Father.”
I’m tired and frustrated, bone weary, at wit’s end; but I allow myself to be let into the throne room.
My Father is there, delight fills His eyes, He gathers me up in His love. The weariness melts, the frustration is gone. He gives me peace, wisdom, strength and joy.
I’m home.
3/8/12
Revelation Part One
I'm not sure when my fascination with Deborah began. You can find her story in Judges chapter 4, in a nutshell, she led the country of Israel at that time in history; she was considered a prophet and full of wisdom. The king of Israel would not go to war unless she went with him. I have always pictured her sitting under her palm tree (verse 5) calmly listening to the voice of God as people came to seek her counsel. I have always wanted to be a woman like her; wise, discerning, kind, close to God, recognized by others as someone with answers. I always thought it was a very vain dream.
Another interesting thing about Deborah is that her marital status was in the forefront of her description. She was married to Lappidoth; I wonder if she called him Lappi in private. "Lappi darling, I'm getting ready to go to my palm tree. I'll be home in a few hours." I think it is obvious that she had the support of her husband and in order to have his support she must have been a really good wife. She must have honored her husband and her marriage in order for the Lord to set her in such a high position. She must have had her home well established. It is not recorded as to whether she had children or not, my guess is that she did not but I could be wrong. Maybe in her God given wisdom she was able to raise her children to be resposible God fearing adults who did not need to be 'mothered' once they were on their own. Could be. I would like to know her secret.
Anyway, I have shared in past posts that I have been going through a bit of an identity crisis since leaving my position on staff at my church. My children are grown, grandchildren abound and my family has consumed alot of my time over the past 18 months. I have always had a longing to do and be more for the kingdom of God; I want to be a Deborah and the time I have spent ministering to my family has felt trivial.
Don't get me wrong though, I know it is not trivial and God has spoken to me about this. The conversation went something like this:
Me (in a whiny voice): "Father, I want my home to be a sanctuary, a resting place, somewhere for people to come and find peace and acceptance. How can that happen with a house full of family?"
God (laughing, yes, laughing at me!): "My sweet girl,(His patience with me is unending) isn't that what is happening? Isn't that what your family needs right now?"
Me (still whiny): "But I didn't want it to be family!!"
Yes, I really was that ridiculous!
So, for the past five months (while my daughter and her family are living with us and trying to restore their relationship and re-establish their family) I have spent alot more time in my room crying out to God for strength and compassion. Lamenting what I see as a major detour on my road to being useful to God and His kingdom, asking for direction and wisdom. Where do I fit? What do You want me to do? ect, ect.
Enter my wonderful husband with a book he bought for me called 'Introverts in the Church, Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture.' This book has been life changing for me! Imagine my delight to find out that it is okay to prefer interaction with one or two people, to long for solitude, and to have a burning desire for wisdom and to know the secrets of God, to be so close to Him that I am His words, His actions. These are things that God has made a part of who I am, I am an introvert. What I had always thought was a self-conceited desire for fame is actually a deep desire for God's presence and knowledge and to be able to minister to others by passing it on. It is okay for me to want to be a Deborah!
Another interesting thing about Deborah is that her marital status was in the forefront of her description. She was married to Lappidoth; I wonder if she called him Lappi in private. "Lappi darling, I'm getting ready to go to my palm tree. I'll be home in a few hours." I think it is obvious that she had the support of her husband and in order to have his support she must have been a really good wife. She must have honored her husband and her marriage in order for the Lord to set her in such a high position. She must have had her home well established. It is not recorded as to whether she had children or not, my guess is that she did not but I could be wrong. Maybe in her God given wisdom she was able to raise her children to be resposible God fearing adults who did not need to be 'mothered' once they were on their own. Could be. I would like to know her secret.
Anyway, I have shared in past posts that I have been going through a bit of an identity crisis since leaving my position on staff at my church. My children are grown, grandchildren abound and my family has consumed alot of my time over the past 18 months. I have always had a longing to do and be more for the kingdom of God; I want to be a Deborah and the time I have spent ministering to my family has felt trivial.
Don't get me wrong though, I know it is not trivial and God has spoken to me about this. The conversation went something like this:
Me (in a whiny voice): "Father, I want my home to be a sanctuary, a resting place, somewhere for people to come and find peace and acceptance. How can that happen with a house full of family?"
God (laughing, yes, laughing at me!): "My sweet girl,(His patience with me is unending) isn't that what is happening? Isn't that what your family needs right now?"
Me (still whiny): "But I didn't want it to be family!!"
Yes, I really was that ridiculous!
So, for the past five months (while my daughter and her family are living with us and trying to restore their relationship and re-establish their family) I have spent alot more time in my room crying out to God for strength and compassion. Lamenting what I see as a major detour on my road to being useful to God and His kingdom, asking for direction and wisdom. Where do I fit? What do You want me to do? ect, ect.
Enter my wonderful husband with a book he bought for me called 'Introverts in the Church, Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture.' This book has been life changing for me! Imagine my delight to find out that it is okay to prefer interaction with one or two people, to long for solitude, and to have a burning desire for wisdom and to know the secrets of God, to be so close to Him that I am His words, His actions. These are things that God has made a part of who I am, I am an introvert. What I had always thought was a self-conceited desire for fame is actually a deep desire for God's presence and knowledge and to be able to minister to others by passing it on. It is okay for me to want to be a Deborah!
1/30/12
A short story, ending to be determined
Once upon a time there was a married couple traveling down a road in a car. The woman didn’t like the roads that the man was choosing. They were quiet roads with few cars traveling on them; they were narrow roads, but he had a map and knew where he was going. The roads he chose had been traveled by many others in the past with success and although they did not have much scenery and there were no exciting attractions, there were many beautiful places to stop and enjoy each other’s company.
The woman was bored with the safety of these roads, she wanted to take the scenic routes, be adventurous and stop at the many attractions offered along the way. She hinted that they should take a scenic route just to see what it offered, but the man was caught up in his driving and didn’t hear her. She kept telling him that she just wanted to stop at one of the attractions and have some fun, but again the man was involved in his driving and did not heed her pleas. Finally the woman insisted that unless he would take her on a scenic route or two she would get out of their car to get her own car and never ride with him again.
Now the man didn’t want to take any scenic routes because he had already been on scenic routes in the past. He knew how easy it was to get lost on these scenic routes and that the excitement offered by these attractions was empty and short lived. She finally wore him down and he gave in but instead of going with her to guard her and protect her, he allowed her to go alone, thinking that she would tire of it quickly and return to the road they traveled together.
However, these outings only encouraged her adventurous spirit and did nothing to nurture the love they had for each other. She began to go for scenic drives more and more often and to be less and less satisfied with their travels together. Finally she informed the man that she no longer needed him to take her anywhere, she had her own car and was going to take the scenic routes all the time.
Now the man really did loved her and he apologized for his inattentiveness, told her he loved her and missed her, promised that he would listen to her and take her on a scenic route now and then and that he feared for her safety if she went alone. He asked her to please not take her own car, but to stay with him and he would let her do all the driving.
And so they did. They traveled the wide scenic road and stopped whenever the woman wanted to stop. The man would occasionally go with her but most of the time he just waited in the car. He would ask her to go back to the road they had traveled together but she didn’t want to. He would ask where they were going and what the destination was but the woman would reply that she didn’t know and that it didn’t matter. She would get angry and tell him that he could get out of the car whenever he wanted to, that he didn’t have to go with her. The man would then become silent because he loved her and wanted her in his life; he worried about her and knew that she was lost. He hoped that he could convince her to come back to the road they traveled together and that everything would be okay.
Will she get tired of the fast paced road that leads to nowhere?
Will his faithful companionship convince her of his love or cause him to be forever lost with her?
How do you think this story will end?
The woman was bored with the safety of these roads, she wanted to take the scenic routes, be adventurous and stop at the many attractions offered along the way. She hinted that they should take a scenic route just to see what it offered, but the man was caught up in his driving and didn’t hear her. She kept telling him that she just wanted to stop at one of the attractions and have some fun, but again the man was involved in his driving and did not heed her pleas. Finally the woman insisted that unless he would take her on a scenic route or two she would get out of their car to get her own car and never ride with him again.
Now the man didn’t want to take any scenic routes because he had already been on scenic routes in the past. He knew how easy it was to get lost on these scenic routes and that the excitement offered by these attractions was empty and short lived. She finally wore him down and he gave in but instead of going with her to guard her and protect her, he allowed her to go alone, thinking that she would tire of it quickly and return to the road they traveled together.
However, these outings only encouraged her adventurous spirit and did nothing to nurture the love they had for each other. She began to go for scenic drives more and more often and to be less and less satisfied with their travels together. Finally she informed the man that she no longer needed him to take her anywhere, she had her own car and was going to take the scenic routes all the time.
Now the man really did loved her and he apologized for his inattentiveness, told her he loved her and missed her, promised that he would listen to her and take her on a scenic route now and then and that he feared for her safety if she went alone. He asked her to please not take her own car, but to stay with him and he would let her do all the driving.
And so they did. They traveled the wide scenic road and stopped whenever the woman wanted to stop. The man would occasionally go with her but most of the time he just waited in the car. He would ask her to go back to the road they had traveled together but she didn’t want to. He would ask where they were going and what the destination was but the woman would reply that she didn’t know and that it didn’t matter. She would get angry and tell him that he could get out of the car whenever he wanted to, that he didn’t have to go with her. The man would then become silent because he loved her and wanted her in his life; he worried about her and knew that she was lost. He hoped that he could convince her to come back to the road they traveled together and that everything would be okay.
Will she get tired of the fast paced road that leads to nowhere?
Will his faithful companionship convince her of his love or cause him to be forever lost with her?
How do you think this story will end?
Longing - a poem 7/19/11
I see your beautiful face burdened with disappointment and disillusionment.
Where is the smile that lights your whole face?
Buried under pain and unrealized dreams.
Worn away by life's harsh winds.
Once upon a time there was a golden girl.
Joyful, full of life, determined to win at everything.
Greeting the sun with that smile and confidence.
Welcoming each day with arms outstretched.
Once you danced with God,
Once you marched to His beat,
How did the enemy coax you away?
Do you even know when you switched partners?
My heart aches to see joy in your face again,
I reach out to hold you and all I have in my arms is
memories and promises.
My heart weeps the tears that you don't shed
My heart aches for you.
Where is the smile that lights your whole face?
Buried under pain and unrealized dreams.
Worn away by life's harsh winds.
Once upon a time there was a golden girl.
Joyful, full of life, determined to win at everything.
Greeting the sun with that smile and confidence.
Welcoming each day with arms outstretched.
Once you danced with God,
Once you marched to His beat,
How did the enemy coax you away?
Do you even know when you switched partners?
My heart aches to see joy in your face again,
I reach out to hold you and all I have in my arms is
memories and promises.
My heart weeps the tears that you don't shed
My heart aches for you.
End of the World 2011
May 21st 2011
Someone has declared that the end of the world is tomorrow, he says that he knows that Jesus is returning on that day. Even though God's Holy Bible says that no man will know the day or hour, this guys says he knows the secret.
I hear that people are stockpiling food, selling all they own, cashing in their bank accounts....why? Are they so convinced that they will be left? How sad is that?
Others are out partying, drinking themselves into a stupor, pretending that they are not afraid. Maybe they are not afraid but isn't that worse?
How sly is the enemy to keep causing these 'false alarms', drugging us into nonchalance, making the return of our King a joke.
One of these days (and no one knows when) He will return, there will be a trumpet sound, the sky will open up and He will appear in all His glory. We will then see the Creator of all things, the One who conquered death for us, who sacrificed all He had in order for us to be with the Father.
We will then realize how poorly we follow Him, how disobedient we really are. We will see how shallow our interests have been and how hollow our pursuits for happiness.
We will see the truth of His love for us, His faithfulness to us, how much He has desired our fellowship. We will see what we forfeited when we chose to please ourselves instead of pleasing Him. We will see how much better our lives on this earth could have been if we had chosen to live His way, in purity, kindness, focusing on others instead of ourselves.
We are a selfish, immoral, unfaithful, stubborn people and it amazes me to know that He loves us anyway, that He lovingly and patiently waits for us to see the error of our ways and turn to Him. The greatest gift He has ever given us is His grace - His 'undeserved favor'!
When He returns and you think you will go with Him, please examine your life and make sure it lines up with His plan for you; don't be surprised by getting left behind. Live by His Word, the Bible.
When He returns and you don't expect to go with Him, please know that He loves you and that is the last thing He wants! Nothing you have ever done will ever EVER stop Him from loving you and it is never NEVER too late to choose Him.
Those of you who wait for Him, who walk in righteousness and humility, hang tight til He returns. Continue to love His way, continue to stand for His ways, continue to fight for those who are lost, deceived or ignorant. Remember that the enemy is not flesh and blood, live in peace as best you can. Fight the good fight by prayer, worship and fasting. Fellowship with the family of God, find strength in the unity of His Spirit. Be strong and courageous.
He Will Return!
Someone has declared that the end of the world is tomorrow, he says that he knows that Jesus is returning on that day. Even though God's Holy Bible says that no man will know the day or hour, this guys says he knows the secret.
I hear that people are stockpiling food, selling all they own, cashing in their bank accounts....why? Are they so convinced that they will be left? How sad is that?
Others are out partying, drinking themselves into a stupor, pretending that they are not afraid. Maybe they are not afraid but isn't that worse?
How sly is the enemy to keep causing these 'false alarms', drugging us into nonchalance, making the return of our King a joke.
One of these days (and no one knows when) He will return, there will be a trumpet sound, the sky will open up and He will appear in all His glory. We will then see the Creator of all things, the One who conquered death for us, who sacrificed all He had in order for us to be with the Father.
We will then realize how poorly we follow Him, how disobedient we really are. We will see how shallow our interests have been and how hollow our pursuits for happiness.
We will see the truth of His love for us, His faithfulness to us, how much He has desired our fellowship. We will see what we forfeited when we chose to please ourselves instead of pleasing Him. We will see how much better our lives on this earth could have been if we had chosen to live His way, in purity, kindness, focusing on others instead of ourselves.
We are a selfish, immoral, unfaithful, stubborn people and it amazes me to know that He loves us anyway, that He lovingly and patiently waits for us to see the error of our ways and turn to Him. The greatest gift He has ever given us is His grace - His 'undeserved favor'!
When He returns and you think you will go with Him, please examine your life and make sure it lines up with His plan for you; don't be surprised by getting left behind. Live by His Word, the Bible.
When He returns and you don't expect to go with Him, please know that He loves you and that is the last thing He wants! Nothing you have ever done will ever EVER stop Him from loving you and it is never NEVER too late to choose Him.
Those of you who wait for Him, who walk in righteousness and humility, hang tight til He returns. Continue to love His way, continue to stand for His ways, continue to fight for those who are lost, deceived or ignorant. Remember that the enemy is not flesh and blood, live in peace as best you can. Fight the good fight by prayer, worship and fasting. Fellowship with the family of God, find strength in the unity of His Spirit. Be strong and courageous.
He Will Return!
My Soapbox on Marriage
I wrote this on April 27, 2010
Attention all wives! He is never going to appear repentant enough in your eyes!!
Attention all husbands! She is never going to appear forgiving enough in your eyes!!
Matt 18:32-35
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
Please get your eyes off the other and keep them on your own life in Christ! Use this time to focus on your walk, are your actions honoring Christ? Leave your spouse to God, He is fully capable of bringing about change IN HIS TIME not yours!! Trust the God who created the both of you and brought you into His kingdom, He has a plan for your marriage! Do NOT allow the enemy to play in the midst of your holy relationship!!
Okay, I have stepped off my soapbox!
Attention all wives! He is never going to appear repentant enough in your eyes!!
Attention all husbands! She is never going to appear forgiving enough in your eyes!!
Matt 18:32-35
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
Please get your eyes off the other and keep them on your own life in Christ! Use this time to focus on your walk, are your actions honoring Christ? Leave your spouse to God, He is fully capable of bringing about change IN HIS TIME not yours!! Trust the God who created the both of you and brought you into His kingdom, He has a plan for your marriage! Do NOT allow the enemy to play in the midst of your holy relationship!!
Okay, I have stepped off my soapbox!
Why Do I Weep
I wrote this on March 12, 2010
I weep tears of sorrow, anger and helplessness.
I weep as I watch marriages stumble and fall; husbands and wives struggling to make their relationships meaningful. Spouses trying to love through rejection and hardness.
I weep because I know men and women who choose to turn away from the blessings God offers to go in search of their own non-existant blessings.
I weep because I see our enemy dancing with deception and disallusionment, dressed in his jester's garb he jugggles pretty balls of promises that won't be fulfilled; coaxing God's beloved children to just 'give it a try!' The lie is as old as time - "God doesn't want you to have fun! He only wants to tie you down to a bunch of rules. He doesn't care about what makes YOU happy. Come with me, we will have a good time with no cares and bothersome responsibilities!"
I weep because I am helpless to convince them otherwise; helpless because God won't force them to see the truth; helpless because He wants them to choose to know the truth. I hate feeling helpless!!
Show me, my King! How can I best release your power? How can I help them see?
Living in Your Kingdom, guided by Your boundaries brings such joy and peace. It's like a spring day with sunshine, trees dancing in the breeze, flowers and the music of birds and fountains!
And when times are hard and cold, living in Your Kingdom doesn't make them go away but is like a heavy winter coat that gives wormth and protection against the harshness.
How can I show them how much better it is to stay close to You and follow You?
Oh my King, I weep.
I weep tears of sorrow, anger and helplessness.
I weep as I watch marriages stumble and fall; husbands and wives struggling to make their relationships meaningful. Spouses trying to love through rejection and hardness.
I weep because I know men and women who choose to turn away from the blessings God offers to go in search of their own non-existant blessings.
I weep because I see our enemy dancing with deception and disallusionment, dressed in his jester's garb he jugggles pretty balls of promises that won't be fulfilled; coaxing God's beloved children to just 'give it a try!' The lie is as old as time - "God doesn't want you to have fun! He only wants to tie you down to a bunch of rules. He doesn't care about what makes YOU happy. Come with me, we will have a good time with no cares and bothersome responsibilities!"
I weep because I am helpless to convince them otherwise; helpless because God won't force them to see the truth; helpless because He wants them to choose to know the truth. I hate feeling helpless!!
Show me, my King! How can I best release your power? How can I help them see?
Living in Your Kingdom, guided by Your boundaries brings such joy and peace. It's like a spring day with sunshine, trees dancing in the breeze, flowers and the music of birds and fountains!
And when times are hard and cold, living in Your Kingdom doesn't make them go away but is like a heavy winter coat that gives wormth and protection against the harshness.
How can I show them how much better it is to stay close to You and follow You?
Oh my King, I weep.
12/28/11
Early Morning Ponderings
Somewhere along the way I learned to face adversity by asking God what He wanted to change in me as a result of said adversity. It isn’t easy, in fact it’s stinkin hard but it does give me the strength to stand tough when I know there is a purpose. That in itself is probably why the Purpose class was so pivotal to my spiritual growth; it showed me that God is a god of purpose and He does nothing without it!
My current situation has shown me that I still have some dreams and expectations that I need to let God have; that I’m still not bold enough to be honest about my feelings and that I still hide from confrontation.
Letting go of dreams and expectations is something I can do without much of a struggle once He has pointed them out to me. I don’t like it, it hurts, and I’m an emotional mess but I’ve had to do it enough over the years that I am familiar with the process and eager to feel the resulting peace.
Being bold and facing confrontation, however, is another story! I’m basically an insecure chicken! God, how I hate confrontation! I hate the way I get emotional, I hate the frustration of not being understood and believing that I am unable to comunicate effectively. I hate the probablity that it won’t make a difference anyway and that change won’t happen. I hate feeling helpless and out of control.
And there it is…that thing that God continues to work at; control!! He is my fortress and my strength, so why am I feeling helpless and out of control? Because I’m not trusting in His power and His control. Because I’m not leaning on His strength and wisdom. He has never failed to take care of the details for me. He has never failed to resolve situations for me when I step back and give Him the time to do so.
Time, it is His creation and His M.O.; all things are resolved in His time. I need to stay close to Him, stay in step with Him, stay in communication with Him so I can be in time with Him.
My King, you have always been my provider, my protecter and I kneel again at your throne to declare my allegiance to You. Forgive me for thinking I can rule my life and the lives of those around me better than You can. Continue to summon me into Your presence and allow me to rest in your majesty. Help me to respond to others in a way that is undeserved just like You respond to me in a way I don’t deserve. Equip me to live a life of grace-giving. You are magnificent, gentle and wise; I love you and will be your servant forever.
My current situation has shown me that I still have some dreams and expectations that I need to let God have; that I’m still not bold enough to be honest about my feelings and that I still hide from confrontation.
Letting go of dreams and expectations is something I can do without much of a struggle once He has pointed them out to me. I don’t like it, it hurts, and I’m an emotional mess but I’ve had to do it enough over the years that I am familiar with the process and eager to feel the resulting peace.
Being bold and facing confrontation, however, is another story! I’m basically an insecure chicken! God, how I hate confrontation! I hate the way I get emotional, I hate the frustration of not being understood and believing that I am unable to comunicate effectively. I hate the probablity that it won’t make a difference anyway and that change won’t happen. I hate feeling helpless and out of control.
And there it is…that thing that God continues to work at; control!! He is my fortress and my strength, so why am I feeling helpless and out of control? Because I’m not trusting in His power and His control. Because I’m not leaning on His strength and wisdom. He has never failed to take care of the details for me. He has never failed to resolve situations for me when I step back and give Him the time to do so.
Time, it is His creation and His M.O.; all things are resolved in His time. I need to stay close to Him, stay in step with Him, stay in communication with Him so I can be in time with Him.
My King, you have always been my provider, my protecter and I kneel again at your throne to declare my allegiance to You. Forgive me for thinking I can rule my life and the lives of those around me better than You can. Continue to summon me into Your presence and allow me to rest in your majesty. Help me to respond to others in a way that is undeserved just like You respond to me in a way I don’t deserve. Equip me to live a life of grace-giving. You are magnificent, gentle and wise; I love you and will be your servant forever.
5/17/11
The Valley of Lonliness
I have recently been going through a valley of feeling unwanted and lost. I have been fighting and questioning it, feeling miserable and unlovely. Several days I just plain laid down on the path and declared 'no more, I just need to rest.' I would then curl up in a fetal position and shed tears of self pity.
God is so patient with us when we go through these places. These times when we should be looking for Him and calling out to Him. He walks with us out of sight waiting for us to call, He waits while we go through our self pity and our temper tantrums declaring how unfair it all is! Waiting for us to say "Jesus, I need You!" and then, there He is bending down to help us up, wiping the tears from our eyes and gently asking why it took so long to call for Him.
Why is it that it takes so long for me to recognize a test, a chance to show Him that I have learned to lean on Him a little more, to trust Him a little more? I hear Him whispering to me, "Come away with me for a little while. Be with me, let me love you, encourage you, strengthen you." Why do I hesitate, procrastinate? I have experienced the joy that comes from being with Him! I have received the benefits of time spent with Him! I know His voice, His touch, the intimacy of being 'set apart'. And yet it is being set apart that leads to the loneliness, the 'not fitting in', the feeling of being misunderstood.
Being set apart for His plan, being different than the world, even different from some of those who call themselves His children! It is lonely, it is difficult. And yet it is an honor, a privilege; one of which I am so unworthy. I have no talent for what He asks of me, I have no skills for what He wants me to do, I am so out of my comfort zone! But He has everything I need to do all He asks! He gives to me freely each and every time! He is so faithful!! Why is it so hard to hang on to that concept?
I find it interesting that I struggle with these seasons of God appointed isolation. I tend to be a bit of a loner anyway. I imagine part of the struggle is my tendency to like things to stay the same, I like routine, knowing what comes next and when God is in control He tends to change things, things like me! I know that He is just taking me to the next level of maturity, forming me into the likeness of His Son, my sweet Savior and best friend, the lover of my soul!
I need what my friend calls an 18 inch miracle, when what you know in your head becomes what you believe in your heart!
My King, my Friend, My Strength, My Song, My Joy,
Forgive me for hesitating when you call. Thank you for walking with me and waiting for me when I stop to have a temper tantrum. Thank you for wanting to be with me, for setting me apart for Your plan. Keep near me, open my ears to hear your voice, open my eyes to see your path. Keep me near so I can follow your lead. I love you and want to be all that You want me to be. Thank you for being faithful when I give up so easily. I love you, my Lord! You are the reason I am extraordinary!!
God is so patient with us when we go through these places. These times when we should be looking for Him and calling out to Him. He walks with us out of sight waiting for us to call, He waits while we go through our self pity and our temper tantrums declaring how unfair it all is! Waiting for us to say "Jesus, I need You!" and then, there He is bending down to help us up, wiping the tears from our eyes and gently asking why it took so long to call for Him.
Why is it that it takes so long for me to recognize a test, a chance to show Him that I have learned to lean on Him a little more, to trust Him a little more? I hear Him whispering to me, "Come away with me for a little while. Be with me, let me love you, encourage you, strengthen you." Why do I hesitate, procrastinate? I have experienced the joy that comes from being with Him! I have received the benefits of time spent with Him! I know His voice, His touch, the intimacy of being 'set apart'. And yet it is being set apart that leads to the loneliness, the 'not fitting in', the feeling of being misunderstood.
Being set apart for His plan, being different than the world, even different from some of those who call themselves His children! It is lonely, it is difficult. And yet it is an honor, a privilege; one of which I am so unworthy. I have no talent for what He asks of me, I have no skills for what He wants me to do, I am so out of my comfort zone! But He has everything I need to do all He asks! He gives to me freely each and every time! He is so faithful!! Why is it so hard to hang on to that concept?
I find it interesting that I struggle with these seasons of God appointed isolation. I tend to be a bit of a loner anyway. I imagine part of the struggle is my tendency to like things to stay the same, I like routine, knowing what comes next and when God is in control He tends to change things, things like me! I know that He is just taking me to the next level of maturity, forming me into the likeness of His Son, my sweet Savior and best friend, the lover of my soul!
I need what my friend calls an 18 inch miracle, when what you know in your head becomes what you believe in your heart!
My King, my Friend, My Strength, My Song, My Joy,
Forgive me for hesitating when you call. Thank you for walking with me and waiting for me when I stop to have a temper tantrum. Thank you for wanting to be with me, for setting me apart for Your plan. Keep near me, open my ears to hear your voice, open my eyes to see your path. Keep me near so I can follow your lead. I love you and want to be all that You want me to be. Thank you for being faithful when I give up so easily. I love you, my Lord! You are the reason I am extraordinary!!
A leader! Me??
I received an email that questioned my leadership style. It came when I was feeling insecure, unwanted and lost so I replied with "fine, I'll step down!" I was eager to wash my hands of the whole thing and slip into comfortable obscurity. No one would notice if I disappeared anyway!
I had forgotten the one 'person' who would notice....my heavenly Father/King! I started hearing His voice, "Really my child? That is all it takes to remove you from the position I asked you to fill?"
"Yes!!" I replied adamantly, "Leave me be!" And like a wise Father, he left me alone...for a little while. He continued to whisper this question, to encourage me and coax me. He can be very persuasive in His love!
On Sunday our pastor talked about how he had lost his center in Christ and I heard my King ask me if perhaps this had happened to me as well. My center had become what others thought and not what He wanted me to do. He had appointed me to this position two years ago and I have seen His hand in the midst of it. Now I believe there is a transition happening, something that is changing the vision I saw.
It has not changed the vision itself, only my perspective of the vision. The vision has enlarged and although I thought that it meant my part of the vision was no longer relevant, He has shown me that my thinking (and the thinking of others) was very narrow! My part of this vision is still very much needed and is no less and no more than the other parts of this vision.
My leadership style will not please everyone nor be what others think it should be but it is what it is and it is mine. It's part of who He created me to be and it suits His plan for me! It accomplishes His purpose when I leave it in His hands and follow His lead. I need to stick to what I know and let those He has appointed to other areas go in their own direction.
I had forgotten the one 'person' who would notice....my heavenly Father/King! I started hearing His voice, "Really my child? That is all it takes to remove you from the position I asked you to fill?"
"Yes!!" I replied adamantly, "Leave me be!" And like a wise Father, he left me alone...for a little while. He continued to whisper this question, to encourage me and coax me. He can be very persuasive in His love!
On Sunday our pastor talked about how he had lost his center in Christ and I heard my King ask me if perhaps this had happened to me as well. My center had become what others thought and not what He wanted me to do. He had appointed me to this position two years ago and I have seen His hand in the midst of it. Now I believe there is a transition happening, something that is changing the vision I saw.
It has not changed the vision itself, only my perspective of the vision. The vision has enlarged and although I thought that it meant my part of the vision was no longer relevant, He has shown me that my thinking (and the thinking of others) was very narrow! My part of this vision is still very much needed and is no less and no more than the other parts of this vision.
My leadership style will not please everyone nor be what others think it should be but it is what it is and it is mine. It's part of who He created me to be and it suits His plan for me! It accomplishes His purpose when I leave it in His hands and follow His lead. I need to stick to what I know and let those He has appointed to other areas go in their own direction.
3/23/11
30 Days of Blogging
Trying Something New for My Blog
Okay, so I got this idea from Mrs.Day blog. It looked like a great thing to do and I'm going to try my best to do this exercise for my blog everyday. I think it would be great if you try this exercise for your blog too!
Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment
Okay, so I got this idea from Mrs.Day blog. It looked like a great thing to do and I'm going to try my best to do this exercise for my blog everyday. I think it would be great if you try this exercise for your blog too!
Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment
2/3/11
I am not feeling so extraordinary today. Today I feel worn out, battle weary, pressed down with sadness. I feel like a failure.
A young friend has told me that her husband is moving out. He's unhappy and she doesn't want to stand in the way of his happiness. Really!?! They are struggling under lies from the enemy and don't see it. Being apart is not the answer! I see how much they love each other.
Oh my God! Do something! Don't just stand afar on Your holy mountain and let Satan take this relationship! Come on!!
There are no words. I sit here and stare at my computer screen willing something to come to my mind but all I hear is "what's the point?" "what's the point?"
My eyes burn from the tears I have shed for them, for me, for all those I love who are struggling against the forces of this world.
God is my refuge and strength. I run to Him when I don't know what else to do. Jill Briscoe calls it 'the deep place where no one goes'. Visits to the deep place are vital when you spend so much time in 'the shallow places where everyone is'.
Today I am totally ordinary.
A young friend has told me that her husband is moving out. He's unhappy and she doesn't want to stand in the way of his happiness. Really!?! They are struggling under lies from the enemy and don't see it. Being apart is not the answer! I see how much they love each other.
Oh my God! Do something! Don't just stand afar on Your holy mountain and let Satan take this relationship! Come on!!
There are no words. I sit here and stare at my computer screen willing something to come to my mind but all I hear is "what's the point?" "what's the point?"
My eyes burn from the tears I have shed for them, for me, for all those I love who are struggling against the forces of this world.
God is my refuge and strength. I run to Him when I don't know what else to do. Jill Briscoe calls it 'the deep place where no one goes'. Visits to the deep place are vital when you spend so much time in 'the shallow places where everyone is'.
Today I am totally ordinary.
1/20/11
Changes
I really don't like change. Never have. I know that it is a necessary thing, it can even be a positive thing, a rejuvenating thing, etc. but I still don't like it. It takes me a long time to adapt to it, accept it, possibly even welcome it. With that said I will report that things are a-changin!!
Months ago I felt as though God was indicating that I needed to make a job change. My job was very shall we say consuming. It began as a simple 'connection' job and grew to overwhelm me in its immensity! I was the eyes and ears of our little community, not in a spy kind of way but in a needs assessing way. I knew who was who and what was needed, I made those needs known to the ones who could meet those needs. I enjoyed my job.
Then it grew. In addition to the original aspects of my job, it now included tending to financial aspects of our community. This too I enjoyed. I like keeping order, putting ducks in a row, I was amazed to find that (even though I hated math in school) I enjoyed the orderly process of making numbers match and come out even. And so I adapted to this addition to my job description.
Then it grew. Tending to our little community began to feel very burdensome, I no longer mingled with our people because I needed to make sure all the little details were in order. I had trouble keeping up with all of the plates that I had to keep spinning. I missed being involved with our people and I felt that God wanted me to focus on a particular area, to tend to a burning desire that He had put in my heart.
And so I embraced the change that God had put on my heart and turned in my resignation.
I focused on the passion in my heart, a passion to see women connected with each other, encouraging each other, growing in their love for God, for their husbands, their children and for each other. This new endeavor is challenging, frustrating, energizing and draining. I am glad that I listened to God and followed Him into this change.
BUT.......I find that I have gone from being somebody in my community to being nobody. Everything that was part of me in the old job has been completely erased. Procedures that I put in place have been changed and that has hurt my feelings. It has made me feel as though my thoughts, my values, my opinions were not valued. It makes me feel as though I am a stranger in this community that I put so much of myself into. It is an unfriendly place now. It is cold and business-like. I don't like it.
I trust my King, He is the one who has orchestrated this change. He sees the big picture and knows how it will end. I try to keep my ears open to hear His voice and my heart soft to heed His direction. Where I am now is uncomfortable but being uncomfortable is not necessarily a bad thing. I must be content to wait and see where this change will lead.
Months ago I felt as though God was indicating that I needed to make a job change. My job was very shall we say consuming. It began as a simple 'connection' job and grew to overwhelm me in its immensity! I was the eyes and ears of our little community, not in a spy kind of way but in a needs assessing way. I knew who was who and what was needed, I made those needs known to the ones who could meet those needs. I enjoyed my job.
Then it grew. In addition to the original aspects of my job, it now included tending to financial aspects of our community. This too I enjoyed. I like keeping order, putting ducks in a row, I was amazed to find that (even though I hated math in school) I enjoyed the orderly process of making numbers match and come out even. And so I adapted to this addition to my job description.
Then it grew. Tending to our little community began to feel very burdensome, I no longer mingled with our people because I needed to make sure all the little details were in order. I had trouble keeping up with all of the plates that I had to keep spinning. I missed being involved with our people and I felt that God wanted me to focus on a particular area, to tend to a burning desire that He had put in my heart.
And so I embraced the change that God had put on my heart and turned in my resignation.
I focused on the passion in my heart, a passion to see women connected with each other, encouraging each other, growing in their love for God, for their husbands, their children and for each other. This new endeavor is challenging, frustrating, energizing and draining. I am glad that I listened to God and followed Him into this change.
BUT.......I find that I have gone from being somebody in my community to being nobody. Everything that was part of me in the old job has been completely erased. Procedures that I put in place have been changed and that has hurt my feelings. It has made me feel as though my thoughts, my values, my opinions were not valued. It makes me feel as though I am a stranger in this community that I put so much of myself into. It is an unfriendly place now. It is cold and business-like. I don't like it.
I trust my King, He is the one who has orchestrated this change. He sees the big picture and knows how it will end. I try to keep my ears open to hear His voice and my heart soft to heed His direction. Where I am now is uncomfortable but being uncomfortable is not necessarily a bad thing. I must be content to wait and see where this change will lead.
7/3/10
On Worship and Warfare
Occasionaly these early morning brain overloads are annoying; especially when I've stayed up late anyway and really thought getting a few more hours of sleep would be a good thing! I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't get the 'god thoughts' to leave me alone so here I am putting them down on 'paper' so that I can go back and get a couple of more zzz's!
My 4yo granddaughter who is staying the night climbed into bed with me around 4am initially waking me up; I took her back to bed and thought I could drift right back to sleep. But I began to think about singing on the worship team this Sunday and how much I look forward to it. I begin to think about why it's so important to me and why I enjoy it so much. These are the thoughts that wouldn't go away..
I close my eyes and smile when I think about meeting with my King. He is so kind to me, ever patient with my flaws and weaknesses, constantly giving me opportunities to grow and respond to situations the way that He would. I lift my face to the heavens where He sits in all His glory and lift my hands to honor Him. The words of the song express my heart in ways that I cannot alone. I sway and bend like a mighty tree, like the cottonwood trees when they dance in the wind. His presence surrounds me and I can feel His pleasure. How joyful to me when my grandbabies come running with arms outstretched when they see me!! Their little faces lit up with joy to be with me again! How it fills me with well-being!! If I can be so overwhelmed by their love for me then how much more pleased is the King of Heaven, He who created me when I run to be in His presence? What a mighty King He is! His love endures forever and through all things! His mercy for me never quits! His grace knows no boundaries! How great is my King!!
Without fail my thoughts turn from worship of my King to those who don't know Him like I do. Worship and warfare; they seem to always go hand in hand with me, for I then begin to see the pain and brokenness of those around me and my heart cries out. I know that it is the heart of my God crying out within me; He cries out in anguish and frustration at the rebellion, the anger, the bitterness that He sees in the hearts of His very own children. I speak out against the enemy of my King in Jesus' name! I declare weakness upon him and claim back those children to my Father's kingdom. I declare freedom in the name of my Lord. I loose the power of my God upon those situations and declare victory for the angels who fight the unseen battles. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.
And now my mind rests. The birds are beginning to sing outside and the sky is beginning to lighten. It's a brand new day full of His grace and mercy! Full of opportunities to worship Him, to listen for His guidance, to show His love to those around me. Oh my King, help me to represent You strongly today. I love you so.
My 4yo granddaughter who is staying the night climbed into bed with me around 4am initially waking me up; I took her back to bed and thought I could drift right back to sleep. But I began to think about singing on the worship team this Sunday and how much I look forward to it. I begin to think about why it's so important to me and why I enjoy it so much. These are the thoughts that wouldn't go away..
I close my eyes and smile when I think about meeting with my King. He is so kind to me, ever patient with my flaws and weaknesses, constantly giving me opportunities to grow and respond to situations the way that He would. I lift my face to the heavens where He sits in all His glory and lift my hands to honor Him. The words of the song express my heart in ways that I cannot alone. I sway and bend like a mighty tree, like the cottonwood trees when they dance in the wind. His presence surrounds me and I can feel His pleasure. How joyful to me when my grandbabies come running with arms outstretched when they see me!! Their little faces lit up with joy to be with me again! How it fills me with well-being!! If I can be so overwhelmed by their love for me then how much more pleased is the King of Heaven, He who created me when I run to be in His presence? What a mighty King He is! His love endures forever and through all things! His mercy for me never quits! His grace knows no boundaries! How great is my King!!
Without fail my thoughts turn from worship of my King to those who don't know Him like I do. Worship and warfare; they seem to always go hand in hand with me, for I then begin to see the pain and brokenness of those around me and my heart cries out. I know that it is the heart of my God crying out within me; He cries out in anguish and frustration at the rebellion, the anger, the bitterness that He sees in the hearts of His very own children. I speak out against the enemy of my King in Jesus' name! I declare weakness upon him and claim back those children to my Father's kingdom. I declare freedom in the name of my Lord. I loose the power of my God upon those situations and declare victory for the angels who fight the unseen battles. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.
And now my mind rests. The birds are beginning to sing outside and the sky is beginning to lighten. It's a brand new day full of His grace and mercy! Full of opportunities to worship Him, to listen for His guidance, to show His love to those around me. Oh my King, help me to represent You strongly today. I love you so.
5/31/10
The Pain of Motherhood
The pain of motherhood is more than just the act of giving birth. It's the pain of touching the stove to learn that it's hot, falling down stairs, the first scraped knee or elbow. It's the pain of being made fun of at school, the first broken bone or gash needing stitches. It's the pain of teaching consequences, washing a mouth out with soap, taking away privileges. It's the pain of being avoided, ignored, glared at. It's the pain of being replaced by teachers and friends. It's the pain of not fitting in, not making the grade, not being popular. It's the pain of that first rejection, the next rejection, any rejection. It's the pain of seeing the hurt in your child's eyes or voice and not being able to scoop them up in your arms and kiss it all better. It's the pain of letting go as they leave for college, the military or married life. It's the pain of watching them learn what true love really is. It's the pain of that first fight when you want them to come home and you know that they can't. It's the pain of watching them go through the consequences of foolish decisions and choices.
It's the pain of standing by helplessly as they rush headlong into adulthood and it's the pain of standing by helplessly as they learn the cruelty that is adulthood.
It's the pain of standing by helplessly as they rush headlong into adulthood and it's the pain of standing by helplessly as they learn the cruelty that is adulthood.
4/22/10
A Letter to my Daughter
We had such a horrible fight on Wednesday and your angry words hurt but I have heard them and the hurt in your heart. You accused me of favoritism and so I have looked back at my past actions and words and asked myself have I really been unfair? The answer my dear is yes. You were right. You have bent over backwards and sacrificed much for love of your sister and she has not been as appreciative as she should be.
I asked myself why would I favor one daughter over the other when I love you both so so much!! And I think I have maybe discovered the answer. She listens to me. We have conversations and not constant disagreements. She values my opinion and asks for my advice. She makes me feel like a good mom.
Now I want you to know that I am so proud of you! You are such a good mom and I enjoy the way you work to make your boys feel loved. I love that you enjoy (for the most part) being a stay at home mom. I love that you are so loyal to your friends and your family. I wish that you would believe these things about yourself.
My greatest desire is to see you shed the anger that you bury yourself in so that once again that little girl would shine out. My little "Sunshine Face".
Sometimes I think you hide behind the anger to protect yourself from the hurt of loving others as deeply as you do, but I wish you could see that the very hurt you hide from is what makes you a beautiful loving woman. You are so much stronger than you realize. God has given you so much love, He created your heart to love deeply like He does and yes it hurts sometimes but it's only so that you can be closer to Jesus and share in His hurt. He carries it with you so that it doesn't damage; it only makes you more aware of how much He loves you!
You are my first child, the one that I anticipated and waited for; the one that God gave to me out of a difficult situation, His gift of love to me. You were given back to Him to mold and protect and guard. He has given you many talents, you are so very creative!! You share that characteristic with your Father God the creator.
You are strong and hard headed but these are both blessings and trial because you choose how you respond to situations, God has to use harder circumstances to draw you to His throne because you are so strong and stubborn!
I am proud to know you and I'm sorry if I ever make you feel otherwise. Please convince yourself that when I seem critical it is because I know you can do and be softer, more tolerant, more loving. I wish that you knew that everything I do and everything I say is always out of my love for you and never never never meant to harm you or tear you down. You are a part of me, I carried you carefully for nine months, prayed for your safe arrival and still constantly pray that you will learn to love God more, learn to trust Him, learn to be like Him. That your marriage will honor the Kingdom of God; that your boys will learn to be knights of the Kingdom and your daughter will always know the love of the King.
My sweet child, my beautiful grown daughter all I can say in closing is..... I love you and nothing you can say or do will ever ever change that!!
I asked myself why would I favor one daughter over the other when I love you both so so much!! And I think I have maybe discovered the answer. She listens to me. We have conversations and not constant disagreements. She values my opinion and asks for my advice. She makes me feel like a good mom.
Now I want you to know that I am so proud of you! You are such a good mom and I enjoy the way you work to make your boys feel loved. I love that you enjoy (for the most part) being a stay at home mom. I love that you are so loyal to your friends and your family. I wish that you would believe these things about yourself.
My greatest desire is to see you shed the anger that you bury yourself in so that once again that little girl would shine out. My little "Sunshine Face".
Sometimes I think you hide behind the anger to protect yourself from the hurt of loving others as deeply as you do, but I wish you could see that the very hurt you hide from is what makes you a beautiful loving woman. You are so much stronger than you realize. God has given you so much love, He created your heart to love deeply like He does and yes it hurts sometimes but it's only so that you can be closer to Jesus and share in His hurt. He carries it with you so that it doesn't damage; it only makes you more aware of how much He loves you!
You are my first child, the one that I anticipated and waited for; the one that God gave to me out of a difficult situation, His gift of love to me. You were given back to Him to mold and protect and guard. He has given you many talents, you are so very creative!! You share that characteristic with your Father God the creator.
You are strong and hard headed but these are both blessings and trial because you choose how you respond to situations, God has to use harder circumstances to draw you to His throne because you are so strong and stubborn!
I am proud to know you and I'm sorry if I ever make you feel otherwise. Please convince yourself that when I seem critical it is because I know you can do and be softer, more tolerant, more loving. I wish that you knew that everything I do and everything I say is always out of my love for you and never never never meant to harm you or tear you down. You are a part of me, I carried you carefully for nine months, prayed for your safe arrival and still constantly pray that you will learn to love God more, learn to trust Him, learn to be like Him. That your marriage will honor the Kingdom of God; that your boys will learn to be knights of the Kingdom and your daughter will always know the love of the King.
My sweet child, my beautiful grown daughter all I can say in closing is..... I love you and nothing you can say or do will ever ever change that!!
4/10/10
The love of money
The Bible says that the love of money is the root of all evil, I have always thought that this was not an issue in my life and yet here I am awake because my brain insists upon going over and over all the things for which I need money! I don't love money. Do I? I am the saver of the family......or am I really a hoarder? I always thought that I was wise with my money but do I hold on to it because of wisdom......or insecurity? Doesn't it reveal a lack of trust on my part? Maybe loving money doesn't mean wanting it for the sake of having it; maybe loving money means putting its importance above the importance of loving my God, my King, my Father!
My dh needed new glasses, the insurance has kicked in and so he immediately set the appointment which is covered by the insurance as well as the frames but by the time all is said and done he has two new pairs of glasses to the cost of $300! This would not be an issue if not for the fact that our vehicle has been repossessed and every cent was supposed to go towards getting it back!! This is no longer going to happen, we don't have the money! I am torn; extreme unhappiness because we are in this situation, extreme anxiety that we will lose our vehicle and extreme guilt for feeling this way when the lover God gave me needed new glasses!! AHHHHHHH!!
Then there are my children who seem to have no ability whatsoever of handling money in any sort of disciplined way!!! They have been locked out of their home with their belongings still inside because they are in the process of moving and still owe rent!! Their van won't run and yet they did not fix it when they had the chance with their tax refund because they couldn't decide whether to fix it or get another one!! And so the money was spent and here they are with a vehicle that doesn't run reliably!!!
Oh how I wish I had money!!! Do I love it? NO, I hate money, seriously hate money because of our dependence upon it! How do I put my dependence on God when our life here on earth relies so much upon the money we have? It's so easy when all is going well. It's when the sh** hits the fan that it becomes hard to trust what you don't see!
Oh God, you are my Father, my provider and all that I truly need! Help me to trust in You even when all I see are the things that I don't have. Help me to walk by faith and not by sight!! Help me to focus on the friends that You have provided who have loaned us a van while we don't have ours, those friends who give what they can in the midst of need. Holy Spirit be my Teacher and show me how to walk in blind trust of He who does not change! Teach me how to love my King above all else knowing that He will never fail me nor leave me wanting.
My dh needed new glasses, the insurance has kicked in and so he immediately set the appointment which is covered by the insurance as well as the frames but by the time all is said and done he has two new pairs of glasses to the cost of $300! This would not be an issue if not for the fact that our vehicle has been repossessed and every cent was supposed to go towards getting it back!! This is no longer going to happen, we don't have the money! I am torn; extreme unhappiness because we are in this situation, extreme anxiety that we will lose our vehicle and extreme guilt for feeling this way when the lover God gave me needed new glasses!! AHHHHHHH!!
Then there are my children who seem to have no ability whatsoever of handling money in any sort of disciplined way!!! They have been locked out of their home with their belongings still inside because they are in the process of moving and still owe rent!! Their van won't run and yet they did not fix it when they had the chance with their tax refund because they couldn't decide whether to fix it or get another one!! And so the money was spent and here they are with a vehicle that doesn't run reliably!!!
Oh how I wish I had money!!! Do I love it? NO, I hate money, seriously hate money because of our dependence upon it! How do I put my dependence on God when our life here on earth relies so much upon the money we have? It's so easy when all is going well. It's when the sh** hits the fan that it becomes hard to trust what you don't see!
Oh God, you are my Father, my provider and all that I truly need! Help me to trust in You even when all I see are the things that I don't have. Help me to walk by faith and not by sight!! Help me to focus on the friends that You have provided who have loaned us a van while we don't have ours, those friends who give what they can in the midst of need. Holy Spirit be my Teacher and show me how to walk in blind trust of He who does not change! Teach me how to love my King above all else knowing that He will never fail me nor leave me wanting.
4/3/10
My Plate's Too Full
It has been one of those times when my 'plate' seems so full I can no longer keep it controled and it threatens to fold up like a cheap paper plate and spill all of my concerns onto the floor!!
But I was out running errands with Bill and it occurred to me that God in His infinite grace (favor that I don't deserve)has begun to clean my plate up! One of those concerns on my plate has been the fact that my children both need to move this month and didn't have a place to go, but now both families have suitable lodging even though both places need a lot of work and cleaning up. It has also been a major concern that my one child and her family had no transportation, which meant that I was constantly playing the role of taxi!! But God has provided a vehicle for them, which seems to have motivated my son in law to look a little harder for work and that is another concern moving off of my plate! God is so amazingly gracious and kind to me!!
This is Easter weekend and I celebrate the many years that I have walked with Him by my side! He has been there for me through thick and thin, always by my side giving me strength and comfort. He has been my constant companion now for 36 years and how sweet the results of that walk have been.
There is still alot on my plate; I am concerned about the spiritual health of my church family, concerned for so many marriages that are under spiritual attack, concerned for the women in those marriages, still concerned for my children but they don't take up so much room on my plate these days! I am beginning a women's study and it is certainly possible that God has cleared space for the women who will attend. At least I know that when he dishes things onto my plate He will also be faithful to give me what is necessary to carry that plate!
It is my prayer for you dear reader that you too will find the sweetness of traveling life with Jesus Christ and allowing Him to put the portions on your plate; that you will trust Him to help you carry it and that He will remove things when the time is right!
But I was out running errands with Bill and it occurred to me that God in His infinite grace (favor that I don't deserve)has begun to clean my plate up! One of those concerns on my plate has been the fact that my children both need to move this month and didn't have a place to go, but now both families have suitable lodging even though both places need a lot of work and cleaning up. It has also been a major concern that my one child and her family had no transportation, which meant that I was constantly playing the role of taxi!! But God has provided a vehicle for them, which seems to have motivated my son in law to look a little harder for work and that is another concern moving off of my plate! God is so amazingly gracious and kind to me!!
This is Easter weekend and I celebrate the many years that I have walked with Him by my side! He has been there for me through thick and thin, always by my side giving me strength and comfort. He has been my constant companion now for 36 years and how sweet the results of that walk have been.
There is still alot on my plate; I am concerned about the spiritual health of my church family, concerned for so many marriages that are under spiritual attack, concerned for the women in those marriages, still concerned for my children but they don't take up so much room on my plate these days! I am beginning a women's study and it is certainly possible that God has cleared space for the women who will attend. At least I know that when he dishes things onto my plate He will also be faithful to give me what is necessary to carry that plate!
It is my prayer for you dear reader that you too will find the sweetness of traveling life with Jesus Christ and allowing Him to put the portions on your plate; that you will trust Him to help you carry it and that He will remove things when the time is right!
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