Early Morning Ponderings

Somewhere along the way I learned to face adversity by asking God what He wanted to change in me as a result of said adversity. It isn’t easy, in fact it’s stinkin hard but it does give me the strength to stand tough when I know there is a purpose. That in itself is probably why the Purpose class was so pivotal to my spiritual growth; it showed me that God is a god of purpose and He does nothing without it!

My current situation has shown me that I still have some dreams and expectations that I need to let God have; that I’m still not bold enough to be honest about my feelings and that I still hide from confrontation.

Letting go of dreams and expectations is something I can do without much of a struggle once He has pointed them out to me. I don’t like it, it hurts, and I’m an emotional mess but I’ve had to do it enough over the years that I am familiar with the process and eager to feel the resulting peace.

Being bold and facing confrontation, however, is another story! I’m basically an insecure chicken! God, how I hate confrontation! I hate the way I get emotional, I hate the frustration of not being understood and believing that I am unable to comunicate effectively. I hate the probablity that it won’t make a difference anyway and that change won’t happen. I hate feeling helpless and out of control.

And there it is…that thing that God continues to work at; control!! He is my fortress and my strength, so why am I feeling helpless and out of control? Because I’m not trusting in His power and His control. Because I’m not leaning on His strength and wisdom. He has never failed to take care of the details for me. He has never failed to resolve situations for me when I step back and give Him the time to do so.

Time, it is His creation and His M.O.; all things are resolved in His time. I need to stay close to Him, stay in step with Him, stay in communication with Him so I can be in time with Him.

My King, you have always been my provider, my protecter and I kneel again at your throne to declare my allegiance to You. Forgive me for thinking I can rule my life and the lives of those around me better than You can. Continue to summon me into Your presence and allow me to rest in your majesty. Help me to respond to others in a way that is undeserved just like You respond to me in a way I don’t deserve. Equip me to live a life of grace-giving. You are magnificent, gentle and wise; I love you and will be your servant forever.


The Valley of Lonliness

I have recently been going through a valley of feeling unwanted and lost. I have been fighting and questioning it, feeling miserable and unlovely. Several days I just plain laid down on the path and declared 'no more, I just need to rest.' I would then curl up in a fetal position and shed tears of self pity.
God is so patient with us when we go through these places. These times when we should be looking for Him and calling out to Him. He walks with us out of sight waiting for us to call, He waits while we go through our self pity and our temper tantrums declaring how unfair it all is! Waiting for us to say "Jesus, I need You!" and then, there He is bending down to help us up, wiping the tears from our eyes and gently asking why it took so long to call for Him.
Why is it that it takes so long for me to recognize a test, a chance to show Him that I have learned to lean on Him a little more, to trust Him a little more? I hear Him whispering to me, "Come away with me for a little while. Be with me, let me love you, encourage you, strengthen you." Why do I hesitate, procrastinate? I have experienced the joy that comes from being with Him! I have received the benefits of time spent with Him! I know His voice, His touch, the intimacy of being 'set apart'. And yet it is being set apart that leads to the loneliness, the 'not fitting in', the feeling of being misunderstood.
Being set apart for His plan, being different than the world, even different from some of those who call themselves His children! It is lonely, it is difficult. And yet it is an honor, a privilege; one of which I am so unworthy. I have no talent for what He asks of me, I have no skills for what He wants me to do, I am so out of my comfort zone! But He has everything I need to do all He asks! He gives to me freely each and every time! He is so faithful!! Why is it so hard to hang on to that concept?
I find it interesting that I struggle with these seasons of God appointed isolation. I tend to be a bit of a loner anyway. I imagine part of the struggle is my tendency to like things to stay the same, I like routine, knowing what comes next and when God is in control He tends to change things, things like me! I know that He is just taking me to the next level of maturity, forming me into the likeness of His Son, my sweet Savior and best friend, the lover of my soul!
I need what my friend calls an 18 inch miracle, when what you know in your head becomes what you believe in your heart!
My King, my Friend, My Strength, My Song, My Joy,
Forgive me for hesitating when you call. Thank you for walking with me and waiting for me when I stop to have a temper tantrum. Thank you for wanting to be with me, for setting me apart for Your plan. Keep near me, open my ears to hear your voice, open my eyes to see your path. Keep me near so I can follow your lead. I love you and want to be all that You want me to be. Thank you for being faithful when I give up so easily. I love you, my Lord! You are the reason I am extraordinary!!

A leader! Me??

I received an email that questioned my leadership style. It came when I was feeling insecure, unwanted and lost so I replied with "fine, I'll step down!" I was eager to wash my hands of the whole thing and slip into comfortable obscurity. No one would notice if I disappeared anyway!
I had forgotten the one 'person' who would heavenly Father/King! I started hearing His voice, "Really my child? That is all it takes to remove you from the position I asked you to fill?"
"Yes!!" I replied adamantly, "Leave me be!" And like a wise Father, he left me alone...for a little while. He continued to whisper this question, to encourage me and coax me. He can be very persuasive in His love!
On Sunday our pastor talked about how he had lost his center in Christ and I heard my King ask me if perhaps this had happened to me as well. My center had become what others thought and not what He wanted me to do. He had appointed me to this position two years ago and I have seen His hand in the midst of it. Now I believe there is a transition happening, something that is changing the vision I saw.
It has not changed the vision itself, only my perspective of the vision. The vision has enlarged and although I thought that it meant my part of the vision was no longer relevant, He has shown me that my thinking (and the thinking of others) was very narrow! My part of this vision is still very much needed and is no less and no more than the other parts of this vision.
My leadership style will not please everyone nor be what others think it should be but it is what it is and it is mine. It's part of who He created me to be and it suits His plan for me! It accomplishes His purpose when I leave it in His hands and follow His lead. I need to stick to what I know and let those He has appointed to other areas go in their own direction.


30 Days of Blogging

Trying Something New for My Blog
Okay, so I got this idea from Mrs.Day blog. It looked like a great thing to do and I'm going to try my best to do this exercise for my blog everyday. I think it would be great if you try this exercise for your blog too!

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment


I am not feeling so extraordinary today. Today I feel worn out, battle weary, pressed down with sadness. I feel like a failure.
A young friend has told me that her husband is moving out. He's unhappy and she doesn't want to stand in the way of his happiness. Really!?! They are struggling under lies from the enemy and don't see it. Being apart is not the answer! I see how much they love each other.
Oh my God! Do something! Don't just stand afar on Your holy mountain and let Satan take this relationship! Come on!!
There are no words. I sit here and stare at my computer screen willing something to come to my mind but all I hear is "what's the point?" "what's the point?"
My eyes burn from the tears I have shed for them, for me, for all those I love who are struggling against the forces of this world.
God is my refuge and strength. I run to Him when I don't know what else to do. Jill Briscoe calls it 'the deep place where no one goes'. Visits to the deep place are vital when you spend so much time in 'the shallow places where everyone is'.
Today I am totally ordinary.



I really don't like change. Never have. I know that it is a necessary thing, it can even be a positive thing, a rejuvenating thing, etc. but I still don't like it. It takes me a long time to adapt to it, accept it, possibly even welcome it. With that said I will report that things are a-changin!!
Months ago I felt as though God was indicating that I needed to make a job change. My job was very shall we say consuming. It began as a simple 'connection' job and grew to overwhelm me in its immensity! I was the eyes and ears of our little community, not in a spy kind of way but in a needs assessing way. I knew who was who and what was needed, I made those needs known to the ones who could meet those needs. I enjoyed my job.
Then it grew. In addition to the original aspects of my job, it now included tending to financial aspects of our community. This too I enjoyed. I like keeping order, putting ducks in a row, I was amazed to find that (even though I hated math in school) I enjoyed the orderly process of making numbers match and come out even. And so I adapted to this addition to my job description.
Then it grew. Tending to our little community began to feel very burdensome, I no longer mingled with our people because I needed to make sure all the little details were in order. I had trouble keeping up with all of the plates that I had to keep spinning. I missed being involved with our people and I felt that God wanted me to focus on a particular area, to tend to a burning desire that He had put in my heart.
And so I embraced the change that God had put on my heart and turned in my resignation.
I focused on the passion in my heart, a passion to see women connected with each other, encouraging each other, growing in their love for God, for their husbands, their children and for each other. This new endeavor is challenging, frustrating, energizing and draining. I am glad that I listened to God and followed Him into this change.
BUT.......I find that I have gone from being somebody in my community to being nobody. Everything that was part of me in the old job has been completely erased. Procedures that I put in place have been changed and that has hurt my feelings. It has made me feel as though my thoughts, my values, my opinions were not valued. It makes me feel as though I am a stranger in this community that I put so much of myself into. It is an unfriendly place now. It is cold and business-like. I don't like it.
I trust my King, He is the one who has orchestrated this change. He sees the big picture and knows how it will end. I try to keep my ears open to hear His voice and my heart soft to heed His direction. Where I am now is uncomfortable but being uncomfortable is not necessarily a bad thing. I must be content to wait and see where this change will lead.