The Valley of Lonliness

I have recently been going through a valley of feeling unwanted and lost. I have been fighting and questioning it, feeling miserable and unlovely. Several days I just plain laid down on the path and declared 'no more, I just need to rest.' I would then curl up in a fetal position and shed tears of self pity.
God is so patient with us when we go through these places. These times when we should be looking for Him and calling out to Him. He walks with us out of sight waiting for us to call, He waits while we go through our self pity and our temper tantrums declaring how unfair it all is! Waiting for us to say "Jesus, I need You!" and then, there He is bending down to help us up, wiping the tears from our eyes and gently asking why it took so long to call for Him.
Why is it that it takes so long for me to recognize a test, a chance to show Him that I have learned to lean on Him a little more, to trust Him a little more? I hear Him whispering to me, "Come away with me for a little while. Be with me, let me love you, encourage you, strengthen you." Why do I hesitate, procrastinate? I have experienced the joy that comes from being with Him! I have received the benefits of time spent with Him! I know His voice, His touch, the intimacy of being 'set apart'. And yet it is being set apart that leads to the loneliness, the 'not fitting in', the feeling of being misunderstood.
Being set apart for His plan, being different than the world, even different from some of those who call themselves His children! It is lonely, it is difficult. And yet it is an honor, a privilege; one of which I am so unworthy. I have no talent for what He asks of me, I have no skills for what He wants me to do, I am so out of my comfort zone! But He has everything I need to do all He asks! He gives to me freely each and every time! He is so faithful!! Why is it so hard to hang on to that concept?
I find it interesting that I struggle with these seasons of God appointed isolation. I tend to be a bit of a loner anyway. I imagine part of the struggle is my tendency to like things to stay the same, I like routine, knowing what comes next and when God is in control He tends to change things, things like me! I know that He is just taking me to the next level of maturity, forming me into the likeness of His Son, my sweet Savior and best friend, the lover of my soul!
I need what my friend calls an 18 inch miracle, when what you know in your head becomes what you believe in your heart!
My King, my Friend, My Strength, My Song, My Joy,
Forgive me for hesitating when you call. Thank you for walking with me and waiting for me when I stop to have a temper tantrum. Thank you for wanting to be with me, for setting me apart for Your plan. Keep near me, open my ears to hear your voice, open my eyes to see your path. Keep me near so I can follow your lead. I love you and want to be all that You want me to be. Thank you for being faithful when I give up so easily. I love you, my Lord! You are the reason I am extraordinary!!

A leader! Me??

I received an email that questioned my leadership style. It came when I was feeling insecure, unwanted and lost so I replied with "fine, I'll step down!" I was eager to wash my hands of the whole thing and slip into comfortable obscurity. No one would notice if I disappeared anyway!
I had forgotten the one 'person' who would heavenly Father/King! I started hearing His voice, "Really my child? That is all it takes to remove you from the position I asked you to fill?"
"Yes!!" I replied adamantly, "Leave me be!" And like a wise Father, he left me alone...for a little while. He continued to whisper this question, to encourage me and coax me. He can be very persuasive in His love!
On Sunday our pastor talked about how he had lost his center in Christ and I heard my King ask me if perhaps this had happened to me as well. My center had become what others thought and not what He wanted me to do. He had appointed me to this position two years ago and I have seen His hand in the midst of it. Now I believe there is a transition happening, something that is changing the vision I saw.
It has not changed the vision itself, only my perspective of the vision. The vision has enlarged and although I thought that it meant my part of the vision was no longer relevant, He has shown me that my thinking (and the thinking of others) was very narrow! My part of this vision is still very much needed and is no less and no more than the other parts of this vision.
My leadership style will not please everyone nor be what others think it should be but it is what it is and it is mine. It's part of who He created me to be and it suits His plan for me! It accomplishes His purpose when I leave it in His hands and follow His lead. I need to stick to what I know and let those He has appointed to other areas go in their own direction.