A Letter to my Daughter

We had such a horrible fight on Wednesday and your angry words hurt but I have heard them and the hurt in your heart. You accused me of favoritism and so I have looked back at my past actions and words and asked myself have I really been unfair? The answer my dear is yes. You were right. You have bent over backwards and sacrificed much for love of your sister and she has not been as appreciative as she should be.
I asked myself why would I favor one daughter over the other when I love you both so so much!! And I think I have maybe discovered the answer. She listens to me. We have conversations and not constant disagreements. She values my opinion and asks for my advice. She makes me feel like a good mom.
Now I want you to know that I am so proud of you! You are such a good mom and I enjoy the way you work to make your boys feel loved. I love that you enjoy (for the most part) being a stay at home mom. I love that you are so loyal to your friends and your family. I wish that you would believe these things about yourself.
My greatest desire is to see you shed the anger that you bury yourself in so that once again that little girl would shine out. My little "Sunshine Face".
Sometimes I think you hide behind the anger to protect yourself from the hurt of loving others as deeply as you do, but I wish you could see that the very hurt you hide from is what makes you a beautiful loving woman. You are so much stronger than you realize. God has given you so much love, He created your heart to love deeply like He does and yes it hurts sometimes but it's only so that you can be closer to Jesus and share in His hurt. He carries it with you so that it doesn't damage; it only makes you more aware of how much He loves you!
You are my first child, the one that I anticipated and waited for; the one that God gave to me out of a difficult situation, His gift of love to me. You were given back to Him to mold and protect and guard. He has given you many talents, you are so very creative!! You share that characteristic with your Father God the creator.
You are strong and hard headed but these are both blessings and trial because you choose how you respond to situations, God has to use harder circumstances to draw you to His throne because you are so strong and stubborn!
I am proud to know you and I'm sorry if I ever make you feel otherwise. Please convince yourself that when I seem critical it is because I know you can do and be softer, more tolerant, more loving. I wish that you knew that everything I do and everything I say is always out of my love for you and never never never meant to harm you or tear you down. You are a part of me, I carried you carefully for nine months, prayed for your safe arrival and still constantly pray that you will learn to love God more, learn to trust Him, learn to be like Him. That your marriage will honor the Kingdom of God; that your boys will learn to be knights of the Kingdom and your daughter will always know the love of the King.
My sweet child, my beautiful grown daughter all I can say in closing is..... I love you and nothing you can say or do will ever ever change that!!


The love of money

The Bible says that the love of money is the root of all evil, I have always thought that this was not an issue in my life and yet here I am awake because my brain insists upon going over and over all the things for which I need money! I don't love money. Do I? I am the saver of the family......or am I really a hoarder? I always thought that I was wise with my money but do I hold on to it because of wisdom......or insecurity? Doesn't it reveal a lack of trust on my part? Maybe loving money doesn't mean wanting it for the sake of having it; maybe loving money means putting its importance above the importance of loving my God, my King, my Father!
My dh needed new glasses, the insurance has kicked in and so he immediately set the appointment which is covered by the insurance as well as the frames but by the time all is said and done he has two new pairs of glasses to the cost of $300! This would not be an issue if not for the fact that our vehicle has been repossessed and every cent was supposed to go towards getting it back!! This is no longer going to happen, we don't have the money! I am torn; extreme unhappiness because we are in this situation, extreme anxiety that we will lose our vehicle and extreme guilt for feeling this way when the lover God gave me needed new glasses!! AHHHHHHH!!
Then there are my children who seem to have no ability whatsoever of handling money in any sort of disciplined way!!! They have been locked out of their home with their belongings still inside because they are in the process of moving and still owe rent!! Their van won't run and yet they did not fix it when they had the chance with their tax refund because they couldn't decide whether to fix it or get another one!! And so the money was spent and here they are with a vehicle that doesn't run reliably!!!
Oh how I wish I had money!!! Do I love it? NO, I hate money, seriously hate money because of our dependence upon it! How do I put my dependence on God when our life here on earth relies so much upon the money we have? It's so easy when all is going well. It's when the sh** hits the fan that it becomes hard to trust what you don't see!
Oh God, you are my Father, my provider and all that I truly need! Help me to trust in You even when all I see are the things that I don't have. Help me to walk by faith and not by sight!! Help me to focus on the friends that You have provided who have loaned us a van while we don't have ours, those friends who give what they can in the midst of need. Holy Spirit be my Teacher and show me how to walk in blind trust of He who does not change! Teach me how to love my King above all else knowing that He will never fail me nor leave me wanting.


My Plate's Too Full

It has been one of those times when my 'plate' seems so full I can no longer keep it controled and it threatens to fold up like a cheap paper plate and spill all of my concerns onto the floor!!
But I was out running errands with Bill and it occurred to me that God in His infinite grace (favor that I don't deserve)has begun to clean my plate up! One of those concerns on my plate has been the fact that my children both need to move this month and didn't have a place to go, but now both families have suitable lodging even though both places need a lot of work and cleaning up. It has also been a major concern that my one child and her family had no transportation, which meant that I was constantly playing the role of taxi!! But God has provided a vehicle for them, which seems to have motivated my son in law to look a little harder for work and that is another concern moving off of my plate! God is so amazingly gracious and kind to me!!
This is Easter weekend and I celebrate the many years that I have walked with Him by my side! He has been there for me through thick and thin, always by my side giving me strength and comfort. He has been my constant companion now for 36 years and how sweet the results of that walk have been.
There is still alot on my plate; I am concerned about the spiritual health of my church family, concerned for so many marriages that are under spiritual attack, concerned for the women in those marriages, still concerned for my children but they don't take up so much room on my plate these days! I am beginning a women's study and it is certainly possible that God has cleared space for the women who will attend. At least I know that when he dishes things onto my plate He will also be faithful to give me what is necessary to carry that plate!
It is my prayer for you dear reader that you too will find the sweetness of traveling life with Jesus Christ and allowing Him to put the portions on your plate; that you will trust Him to help you carry it and that He will remove things when the time is right!